


Out of the Loop

by Irhaboggles



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Established Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, F/F, Gay, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, KaraLena, Lena Luthor Finds Out Kara Danvers is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lesbian, Lesbian Lena Luthor, Minor Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Romance, Sad Lena Luthor, SuperCorp, season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:53:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26796919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irhaboggles/pseuds/Irhaboggles
Summary: Oh my dearest Lena, if only you knew, if only you understood. The real reason I kept my secret from you was not out of fear, mistrust or anything like that. Instead, in a weird way, it was out of love.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 10
Kudos: 65





	1. Out of the Loop

Oh my dearest Lena, if only you knew, if only you understood. The real reason I kept my secret from you was not out of fear, mistrust or anything like that. Instead, in a weird way, it was out of _love_. And I don't just mean that I was trying to protect you, because I know you can handle yourself just fine. Instead, it was just that… Well… You became something like a home to me in all the years that we knew each other. And as much as I loved being Supergirl, sometimes it was just so draining and all I wanted was for it to _stop_.

There were many days and nights when I just wanted to be Kara Danvers and forget that Supergirl even existed. By making sure that I kept at least _one_ person in my life out of the loop, I was able to bring that fantasy to life. By keeping you out of the loop, I had _one_ person to whom I could go to as Kara Danvers and nothing more. No strings or capes attached. I could leave that "work-sona" of the Girl of Steel behind and just be myself in my truest and purest state. No work worries, no super stresses, just me and the one and only person who would see me as _just_ Kara.

By keeping you out of the loop, I made it such that I could have some semblance of a normal life. Without my superhero persona constantly hanging in the back of every conversation, I was able to enjoy myself and you to the fullest. You were my one escape from that crazy life. You were that one semblance of normality. You were my rock, keeping my grounded whenever Supergirl tried to fly me too far away. And to be quite honest, if there was one person with whom I'd want to share a normal and happy life with, it would be you, second to none.

It was just such a relief every time we got to hang out. I always wound up forgetting myself for at least a little while and all that mattered to me in those moments was you. Us. It was a weight off my shoulders, a place to escape to, a blessed forgetfulness. All my doubts and fears would just melt away, as if you were magic. For once, I got to be normal, and forget that I wasn't human. You were always that one place I could go to if the rest of my life ever became too much, and for that, I will always be in debt to you.

Because listen, as much as I love Alex, J'onn, James, Kelly, Brainy, Nia and all the others, they all know the secret, so that means they're all part of it, and sometimes what I really need is to just… step away from it all. That's why you're so very precious to me. Alongside just being a wonderful person in general, you're the one person I can go to if I want to forget all of this madness. And it works every single time. Even if you aren't aware of what you do to me, sometimes all I need to do is just think about you and the stress and anxiety fades. That's how strong it is, that's how much you mean to me, and it is so incredible and I know that I am not worthy of any of it. I am so lucky to have you in my life, Lena, even if things are rough between us right now.

I am so sorry that my secrecy hurt you. I just want you to know that it was not something I did out of intentional malice. I still know that it hurt you, and that my good intentions do not erase the bad consequences, so I'm not trying to make excuses here. I'm still willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust. I just wanted you to know that this had nothing to do with you personally. It was all me and my selfish stupidity.

But I also want you to know that, apart from being truly and deeply sorry for the pain I caused you, no matter what happens next, I will still always be here for you if you need it. Even if you decide that what I did is unforgivable and that what you want most is to never associate with me again, which I will accept in full as a just punishment for betraying your trust, I will still always love you for all the things you've done for me over these past few years. I will keep all those good deeds, whether you are aware of them or not, in my heart forever, because no matter what happens next, you are still my beloved Lena Luthor, and I will always be your Kara Danvers, and I will love you forever…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Just a new perspective on why Kara never told Lena the Big Secret. And it's also a reflection of my personal life (minus the lies, secrecy, hurt, betrayal and general, overall angst).
> 
> To put it simply, I'm in a wonderful fandom, but sometimes my insecurities make me miserable and I've got this one friend who has stayed apart from that fandom and she has become such a blessing and sanctuary to me over this past year, helping me find a place to escape when the stress of that fandom becomes too much. I love her just as much as Kara loves Lena (though in my case, it's nonromantic. And again, blessedly, our relationship mirrors Kara and Lena's, but only in the good ways).
> 
> *Listen to Taylor Swift's "Afterglow" or Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" for this fic.


	2. A Letter She Would Never Send

Knowing that she was reeling from Lena's betrayal, Alex forced Kara to take a few days away from National City just to get away from the place where so many bad memories had been created. In her absence, Alex took upon the role of "apartment-sitter". During one of her trips to water Kara's plants, Alex noticed a square-shaped lump under Kara's pillow. Curiosity piquing, she set down the watering can to see what was under the pillow… It was a book! No… a _journal_ …

In an instant, every other task was forgotten. Alex's curiosity got the better of her and, before she knew it, she was sitting on her sister's bed, reading the journal. She tensed up more and more with every new word she read. They caught every ounce of her attention. Privacy no longer applied, she took in each and every line, feeling a weighted guilt the more and more she read…

ooo

Alex waited impatiently for the stupid number to light up, her head back and eyes locked on the track above the metal doors. This elevator was going to take years at the rate it was moving! Alex kept flicking the strap of her gun's holster over and over again until the ding settled her nerves. Once the doors opened, she tightened her jacket around the secret cargo she had hidden underneath it. She quietly entered the lobby, ignoring the grumbling from the office's clerk. She flashed her badge and made her way through the building. Even though she hadn't been here often, she still knew exactly where she needed to go…

Alex finally found herself deep below ground, overlooking Lena's "secret" laboratory. There was a sea of paper everywhere she looked. Swallowing down her anger, Alex fought to ignore it all in favor of delivering her cargo. A letter of photocopied pages from a certain diary she'd been snooping around in just the other day. She set the envelope down before giving the empty lab table one last glare and leaving it at that. Kara had called it a letter she would never send, but Alex was not Kara.

ooo

Lena was left in shambles (however, she dared not reveal any of it where Lex could revel in it). Once again, he had betrayed her. She couldn't take it anymore. Grateful for her hidden office and its soundproofing, she locked the door tightly before unleashing a chaotic storm in the form of a whirlwind of emotions. She destroyed her office, overturning boxes of files, contracts, projects, blueprint copies, letters and the like. She screamed and swore in English and Irish and grabbed a bottle of scotch she'd stored away down there, not even bothering to grab a glass, bringing the bottle, with shaking hands, to her lips. She was hardly aware of the tears burning down her face as the scotch burned down her throat.

After she'd downed half the bottle in one go, she slammed it down onto her desk. In doing so, her eyes caught an envelope with "FOR LENA" written on the front in sloppy handwriting. Even through all the pain and alcohol, Lena could recognize that this letter was not supposed to be here. Scared and angry, she didn't hesitate to pick it up to open it. On the back, under the letter's seal, was the message "Take a moment to push back your anger and pride. Feel, don't think. She always loved you. You need to understand that. I stole this for a reason. -Alex Danvers"

Something halfway between a gasp and hiss escaped Lena's lips as she read the name and, for a moment, she could only stand there with the unopened envelope still in her hand. Her eyes drifted shut and she thought back to the night where she'd been overlooking the city, a glass of scotch in one hand and a shattered photo of herself and Kara Danvers in the other. Then finally, she forced herself to read the letter.

With every word she read, the tears ran down her face faster and faster, but it was the last line that really broke her.

"…because no matter what happens next, you are still my beloved Lena Luthor, and I will always be your Kara Danvers, and I will love you forever…" and what followed was a signature written in Kryptonese: "A Letter I Would Never Send. To: Lena Luthor, my sun, my light, and my life. The thing I had prayed to Rao for all along."

For a time, Lena could only stare blankly at the photocopied journal pages, unable to even process what she'd just read. But after long enough, she started to slowly come around once again. It was then that all of _her_ thoughts suddenly seemed to align themselves into a perfect reply. But it, like this secret journal entry, was also going to be a letter she would never send.

"Don't you understand how badly you hurt me?" she whispered brokenly to the silence that surrounded her. "All the nightmares I endured in the Luthor house. All my trials and failures. Then all the betrayals, from everyone and everything. You took my crazy, messed up world and made it _right_ , and whole. You took a broken heart into gentle hands and put it back together piece by piece. You taught me healing was possible, and meeting you truly felt like meeting hope. And to meet hope after spending my entire life so hopeless was just… like someone seeing the sun for the very first time. Scary and painful at first, but then bright, and warm and wonderful. But was it all a lie…?"

Then Lena's sorrow turned to rage.

"You took your so-called 'godlike' strength, snatching up what I thought was whole, tearing it apart until it could no longer beat. How dare you ever step foot through the doors of my business, casting this falsity onto me!? You ruined all the good I ever wished to do! I was just another 'thing' for a Super to keep in line, wasn't I? No wonder you never told me! You were proof there isn't a single good thing in this god-forsaken world! Another attempt to prove them all wrong, thwarted by you and your wretched sister! You never deserved an ounce of my trust!

"You butter me up with words of false flattery and sappy, poetic prose, but it's nothing more than another cover for your insatiable ego! You write so romantically, but did you never realize that you're still acting just as selfish as always? I am NOT your human crutch! Did you never once think to ask what I wanted or needed out of our relationship? Or are you deluding yourself into thinking it was much better than it was, having a little pet Luthor to answer your every beck and call without ever asking that Luthor what SHE wanted in exchange for her loyalty and service? This is not a tragic love story, nor a bleeding-heart romance! It's a twisted tale of lies and manipulation! Paint yourself as the tragic hero of an epic love story all you want, but I know the truth. It was never about US, it was always about YOU! You talk about how good I was for you. Did it ever occur to you to think about ME for a change?! Ask me what I want, for once!

"Yes, I admit it's flattering to think that you think so highly of me and that, in your twisted mind, the reason you kept me out of the loop was _because_ you loved me, but did you never think about the pain it would inflict on me? The shame, envy and self-loathing?! To think that I thought we were so very close only to find out that there's been an entire chunk of your life you didn't even let me _see!_ I'm not just mad that you excluded me from so many wonderful memories, I'm mad that you didn't even _tell me_ about _any_ of it!

"How can a friendship truly stand if one of the friends keeps such a critical part of her life so secret from the other!? I've spent my entire life lonely and hurting, and now you're just another nail in the coffin. Another reason I feel like I don't belong, and never will. Don't you know how badly it hurts to be on the outside looking in? To know that your alleged best friend had an entire world she did not share with you? That you were kept out in the cold and dark while she and a team of others bonded without you? Can't you just admit I'm the least favorite friend and leave me alone?! I hate being reminded that no matter how far I've come, it's ultimately meaningless and I will always be left behind in the end. You made it clear you found better company away from me, so why don't you just own up to it instead of hiding behind pathetic and victimizing excuses?! Or are you really such a serial liar you can't even admit the truth when it's staring you right in the face!?"

But as angry as Lena was, those feelings slowly turned back to a sad longing and a bittersweet nostalgia.

"You brought such vibrant, beautiful color to my black abyss of a life. Every lunch, coffee, movie and game we shared brightened the worst of days and gave me hope for a life without a pain or fear. I yearned more and more for the warmth you radiated, especially when you'd wrap me up in your arms and hold me and tell me that everything was gonna be ok…

"Your home was the first place that finally had a light to it, a place I truly felt safe and free in. You'll never know how happy I was whenever you invited me in. I would smile so much at all the bright, pastel colors. All the pillows and pictures that lined your home. Lava lamps, stuffies, so many colors and textures! It was so bright and vivid! It was bright, and warm and _real_. The truest home I'd ever known! … But it was all too good to be true, wasn't it?"

Lena's face grew forlorn again. The final emotion of the night was not rage or agony or even grief. It was just a simple, quiet, resigned despair. She was past the point of sadness now. It was just emptiness. That joy she'd felt with Kara had not been made to last. But nothing good in life ever was. Instead, it was just a few beautiful and finite moments. Then it would all flicker back out into darkness just like always. Too good to be true, nothing gold can stay. Now it was cold and dark and lonely and Kara was no more. Just like always, it was Lena and Lena alone. Because even though all of that ranting had been for Kara, Lena knew in her heart it was just going to be a letter she would never send. So even in this moment of finally getting to "talk" to Kara, Lena was still _alone_.

ooo

But hope springs eternal, whether Lena liked it or not. Even if she had to be dragged kicking and screaming, long after all the other emotions settled, she kept Alex's letter. It was immediately tossed into the back of a drawer, but it was also still in the back of Lena's mind. And when it could've so easily be thrown out with all the other papers Lena had scattered around the office, the fact that Lena chose to store the letter spoke volumes, even if she wasn't ready to acknowledge a single one of them.

Instead, although she would perhaps pretend to feel cold, distance and walled off, a tiny part of her heart still ached for, and called out to, Kara. That was the part of her that kept the letter. Even if she never even looked at it again, it was still there in that drawer rather then on the floor or in the trash. Maybe it was a letter Kara would never send (at least not without outside help), but it was a letter Lena was always going to keep.

And this was because, as angry and hurt as Lena felt, she could not deny that her friendship with Kara had felt so good, and she really did miss it quite a lot, even if she tried to mask the pain. But multiple years of love were not going to be overridden so quickly. Even if their bond had severed in a second, the memory and pain was going to take a lot longer to overcome.

That stupid, stupid Kara Danvers. Lena almost hated her because she knew that no matter what would happen next, Kara would still always be Lena's. And in a way (though not by choice) _she_ would always be Kara's. They shared too much common history to be torn apart over something like this, no matter how serious a rift it was. Lena would always be Kara's, and Kara would always be Lena's.

But that was a letter she would never send.

.

.

.

_Right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Unplanned sequel, but the wonderful ChEsHiRe81 requested it and gave me so many wonderful details that I decided to give it a shot. Honestly, I'd consider this a co-write because they wrote like half this story. Thanks Chesh! You rock! I appreciate all your lovely comments!
> 
> (Possibly unimportant side note: I do consider this a non-canon sequel as the first chapter was supposed to be Kara's internal monologue while trapped in the Fortress of Solitude, not a journal entry. And what made the first chapter so painful, IMO, is that it is quite literally a letter Kara will never send, so with the second chapter being the way it is, that sort of pain is alleviated thanks to Alex. I'm not complaining about this chapter or the prompt that inspired it, I think the prompt was lovely, I just prefer to see this chapter as non-canon.)


End file.
